**This week’s challenge: confront one of your biggest fears.**

I’ve spent the majority of my life doing exactly what was expected of me. Whether it was getting straight A’s in school, excelling in sports, or being respectful in all interactions, I have always been painfully aware of what the people I look up to want me to do. When I was younger, I never considered the potential setbacks of being a “people pleaser”. I thought if I did what everyone else wanted, (most) everyone would like me AND I wouldn’t have to make my own decisions.  Essentially, I was taking the easy way out. A few minor red flags from my people pleasing ways have come to light in the past (don’t ever ask me to choose a restaurant unless you’re prepared to inevitably make the decision for me, an hour later, when you’re now HANGRY). I just didn’t expect it to have one major consequence: the fear of being myself . *Dramatic music plays as I look off into the sunset*

There’s hardly ever a moment where I’m not evaluating if I’m being too awkward/boring/obnoxious in any given setting, social or professional. In doing so, I try to be the version of myself that will best mesh with the different personalities surrounding me. Instead of acting like a normal human being and enjoying a nice party, I am a calculated ball of anxiety attempting to be the perfect mixture of funny and relatable, without offending anyone (easy, right?). This “charming” personality trait most often translates to nervous laughter at inappropriate times, followed by long periods of awkward silence, where I am mentally kicking myself for the noises that just came out of my mouth. In retrospect, this may be why I only have like 5 friends (one of which, is my grandma. Stay real, Grammy!).

My fear of being myself was easily the biggest factor that pushed me into selecting a career where I was unfulfilled. There were so many career options that were never even on my radar, because I was too scared to deviate from what I thought was expected of me. I didn’t even take the time to consider if my career choice peaked my own interests, and I ended up feeling trapped and empty because of it (…holy sh**… do I even have interests?! Does keeping up with the latest celebrity gossip count? How have I been living like this for so long?!). Moving to Asia was a huge first step towards working out my fear, but my challenge for this week was to confront it head on.

AHHH, PHUKET (I know it’s pronounced Poo-ket, but let me have this one)

In order to do this, I decided to travel to Phuket by myself. Normally, I would stay in a quiet hostel and enjoy my time exploring the land alone, happily dodging eye contact from strangers. Not this time. Instead, I booked my stay at a party hostel, where I would be forced to step out of my comfort zone and actually make friends (GULP).  My goal for the weekend excursion was to simply have fun for myself- it didn’t matter if the people there thought I was Miss Congeniality or a serial killer, I was going to have a damn good time.

I was the last one to arrive at the party, coming off an eight-hour bus ride with no air conditioning and no time to eat dinner (sweaty and starving are prime conditions for making friends in case you were wondering). After a great deal of contemplation and a longing look towards my bed, I went downstairs to socialize. Rather than worrying if I was being outgoing enough, if I said something uncool, or if I got stuck talking to the weird guy whose friend kept telling me not to break his heart even though we were only talking about dogs (this one did happen), I just lived in the moment. I didn’t think too hard, didn’t let the anxiety creep in (I would like to personally thank alcohol for this feat), and danced my a** off with a wonderful group of strangers I can now call friends. I got to check off a bucket list item- a wild night out on Bangla Road, which never would have happened had I kept to myself.

1…2…3…BUNGEE!

I met some incredible people my first night in Phuket and even found someone to go exploring with the next day. Little did I know, my travel buddy was going to take my “confronting a fear” challenge to new heights (get it?). On a whim, he asked if I was interested in bungee jumping (the thought had never crossed my mind because… well, heights), and the next thing I knew, we were pulling up to the jump site less than two hours later. I still can’t believe someone I had only known for half a day could convince me to jump off a platform 50 meters above the ground, only attached to a cord tied around my ankles (in a third world country!!!). But how could I pass up the chance to symbolically let go of my fear of being myself, with an over-the-top dramatic moment??? Sign me up, baby!

Bungee jumping sounded like such a great idea until I got to the top. Heights themselves scare me, but it also doesn’t help that my body’s natural instinct is to want to pass out when I’m afraid. I don’t know about you, but unconsciously falling forward when you’re a step away from the ledge of a massive dropoff is NOT the reaction I would hope for (Natural Selection: 1, Ally: 0). I even get woozy when I’m feelin’ myself and wear too aggressive of high heels, so the thought of jumping off that ledge was paralyzing to say the least (has anyone ever actually not looked down immediately when someone says “don’t look down”? That phrase has GOT to go).

When I heard the instructor yell: “1…2…3…BUNGEE,” I realized if I didn’t take the leap in that instant, it was never going to happen (and there are no refunds once you’re at the top). So without a second thought (or possibly because my feet were tied together and I tripped), I swan dived into the unknown and had the most incredible, freeing feeling I’ve ever experienced! And when I say freeing, I literally mean freeing- my shirt flew up during the jump and I accidentally flashed the unsuspecting crowd… you’re welcome, Thailand. As I gracefully flew (flopped around like a fish out of water) through the air, I couldn’t help but take a moment to appreciate how far I’d come in just one weekend.

Did I conquer my fear of heights? Ask me in ten years when I finally agree to jump off a platform again. Did I completely conquer my fear of being myself? Absolutely not- that sh** is gonna take years of therapy, and even so, might still affect my future children. But seeing a positive reaction from others when I was unapologetically me was a MASSIVE relief.  I still have a long way to go, and will need to actively work on this every single day, but this weekend inspired me to keep pushing.

Confronting my fears also re-inspired the drive to find a career that I LOVE. No more suppressing my true interests for fear of what others will think (don’t worry, I’m not interested in stripping or anything like that, but it will be something that requires a bit of delusion to accomplish). I’m not quite ready to shout my ideas for a new direction from the rooftops, but for the first time in a long time, I am finally allowing myself to dream big. *Cue “What Dreams are Made Of” -The Lizzie McGuire Movie Soundtrack*

Facing fears, checking off two major bucket list items, and finding the fire to finally pursue what I want, all within 48 hours?  What. A. Weekend. Challenge number two is officially complete!